Love is blind...love is really blind!
You lie to yourself, you lie to your friends and family, your ashamed and embarrassed that you could ever love and share ur life with someone like that. Until it happens u never think it would happen to you, you never think that you would be 'that' girl; so in love, so blinded by passion and lust, that you'd stay through it all.
I sat and talked with a gf recently, someone that knew who I was before and knows me now. When I mention before and after, I speak almost in biblical terms like BC and AC, but just like that moment and that person changed the way of the world; there was a night that my life changed entirely and forever.
She said to me that she would never forget what I looked like that morning after, "I was hollow in the face, half shaking but half motionless, absent minded and barely spoke a word", she said she instantly knew something was wrong because for every morning she'd known me and we'd gone the same coffee shop..."I'd been bubbly and talking openly, spilling stories of late night romps and fun weekends and genuinely way too happy and way to...in love with my husband."
My gf and I catch up a lot, well we try too. I think when my life changed that night, I felt some people wouldn't understand what happened or why for the years that came, I chose to stay with him. So I unfortunately let them slip away. But others, like her...unfortunately would go on to understand it all a little too well.
Let me take you back to 'that night'!
It was the noise that woke me first, this burst of noise and then the air as the bedroom door swung open! The lights were turned on and as I struggled to wake myself up, trying to sit up and find understanding in what was happening, he was suddenly on top of me, his weight forcing me back down into the pillows.
I had my eyes closed, I think fear kicked in and I was a scared little girl. But then again, Im ashamed to say this, but for a split second the fear disappeared and lust took over, maybe we were going to have one of those nights of crazy and passionate love making. But reality kicked back in and I tried hard to make my mind believe that it was a stranger on top of me and as his hands were around my neck and pushing my shoulders down harder and harder, he was yelling so loud. "How could you do it? You spoke to my family about me? How you could you do that? I hate you! I hate you! This is why I'm done with you Bitch!"
I forced myself to open my eyes, I was eye ball to eye ball with him, breath to (alcohol laced) breath and as I looked in his face, I couldn’t see in it the man I had vowed to love, honor and cherish til death do us part. I was looking him right in his eyes centimeters away and he wasnt there! He had no pupils, his eyes were black, blank and soulless and all I saw in his face expression was ice, cold, hate!
It chilled me to know that he could turn on me so quickly. By me reaching out to his family for help, that he'd feel so betrayed, that I could become an enemy...This was happening to me...This was the start...and it wasn't until years later that it finally ended.
That night gets kinda blurry after that, I started to lie to myself, because once the emotional and physical pain goes away I wanted to forget it all. I think thats why I am still piecing together the reality of that night. I can see the bedroom scene and then him standing holding a kitchen knife. I can see him tossing through clothes to pack into a backpack, all the while he was yelling and screaming horrible things about me and then as quickly as he had burst through the door, the tires screeched in the carpark below and he was gone.
There are some days where Im still ashamed, that I fell in love with that person, its embarrassing that I had promised a forever in front of all my family and friends to someone like that, so unconditional, so in love that I stayed for years...through emotional and physical abuse.
It would just take one moment where he was sweet and loving and I'd forget all the horrible things he’d done. It’s like I was addicted to him. He never had to beg me to stay, because I never seriously considered leaving. I truly loved him and I thought surely I was the best person on earth to help him battle the inner demons wrought by hardships and a checkered childhood. He cheered on my dreams: being more active, becoming a mother, traveling the world, laughing more. I knew in my heart that I couldn't just wake up one morning and give up on us, no matter what he'd done the evening before. I wanted my marriage to work, no matter what it cost me!
By the time our marriage ended it had cost me a lot!
What I know now, is that we tend to want to glorify things and look at the all the good parts. We try to block out all the bad things. It’s easier not to think about the hardship, the pain, being hurt or humiliated. I know there is nothing wrong with having a dream of how your husband is going to be, the kids you'll have, the life you'll lead but when you are writing the fairytale story and something goes wrong, you have to stop and come back to the reality.
It’s been a few years now since our marriage ended. In that time I’ve been in and out of therapy, on and off of medication. I've blamed myself, I've blamed him and every other person in our lives! I’ve drifted from ‘friends’, and found myself being in a really crowded room, but feeling like the loneliest girl in the world. At times I start to take life by the horns and am doing really well, planning my new future. Other times I feel like I can barely keep my head above water. Sometimes in quieter moments I sit and wonder if I’ll ever be able to get past what happened, if I will ever be able to forget 'all those nights'. On my better days I like to think that it happened for a reason, to make me stronger, it was like it was simply a learner marriage and perhaps maybe in the future I'll know what is and is not acceptable in love and relationships.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
We ended our marriage by agreeing that it was better if we love each other separately. As the lyrics go "We didn't want to give in, so we both gave up." We tried so hard to forgive and forget, but we couldn't take any of it back. Some days I wonder where he is now? There are lots of days when I need him around so I type a text message to him, but when I press the button I always end up sending it to myself! I think I'm finding my own strength in that! My heart still aches when I get a message or email from him. Throughout the years, it was evident that I never had strength in the relationship so my mind wanders and the emotions flood back in. But I always know that when the message comes that he is trying to tell me that he feels just like me and that he needs me or he can’t get what we once had out of his mind.
But I remain determined to stand tall and continue to find my own strength...I owe it to MYSELF!
You lie to yourself, you lie to your friends and family, your ashamed and embarrassed that you could ever love and share ur life with someone like that. Until it happens u never think it would happen to you, you never think that you would be 'that' girl; so in love, so blinded by passion and lust, that you'd stay through it all.
I sat and talked with a gf recently, someone that knew who I was before and knows me now. When I mention before and after, I speak almost in biblical terms like BC and AC, but just like that moment and that person changed the way of the world; there was a night that my life changed entirely and forever.
She said to me that she would never forget what I looked like that morning after, "I was hollow in the face, half shaking but half motionless, absent minded and barely spoke a word", she said she instantly knew something was wrong because for every morning she'd known me and we'd gone the same coffee shop..."I'd been bubbly and talking openly, spilling stories of late night romps and fun weekends and genuinely way too happy and way to...in love with my husband."
My gf and I catch up a lot, well we try too. I think when my life changed that night, I felt some people wouldn't understand what happened or why for the years that came, I chose to stay with him. So I unfortunately let them slip away. But others, like her...unfortunately would go on to understand it all a little too well.
Let me take you back to 'that night'!
It was the noise that woke me first, this burst of noise and then the air as the bedroom door swung open! The lights were turned on and as I struggled to wake myself up, trying to sit up and find understanding in what was happening, he was suddenly on top of me, his weight forcing me back down into the pillows.
I had my eyes closed, I think fear kicked in and I was a scared little girl. But then again, Im ashamed to say this, but for a split second the fear disappeared and lust took over, maybe we were going to have one of those nights of crazy and passionate love making. But reality kicked back in and I tried hard to make my mind believe that it was a stranger on top of me and as his hands were around my neck and pushing my shoulders down harder and harder, he was yelling so loud. "How could you do it? You spoke to my family about me? How you could you do that? I hate you! I hate you! This is why I'm done with you Bitch!"
I forced myself to open my eyes, I was eye ball to eye ball with him, breath to (alcohol laced) breath and as I looked in his face, I couldn’t see in it the man I had vowed to love, honor and cherish til death do us part. I was looking him right in his eyes centimeters away and he wasnt there! He had no pupils, his eyes were black, blank and soulless and all I saw in his face expression was ice, cold, hate!
It chilled me to know that he could turn on me so quickly. By me reaching out to his family for help, that he'd feel so betrayed, that I could become an enemy...This was happening to me...This was the start...and it wasn't until years later that it finally ended.
That night gets kinda blurry after that, I started to lie to myself, because once the emotional and physical pain goes away I wanted to forget it all. I think thats why I am still piecing together the reality of that night. I can see the bedroom scene and then him standing holding a kitchen knife. I can see him tossing through clothes to pack into a backpack, all the while he was yelling and screaming horrible things about me and then as quickly as he had burst through the door, the tires screeched in the carpark below and he was gone.
There are some days where Im still ashamed, that I fell in love with that person, its embarrassing that I had promised a forever in front of all my family and friends to someone like that, so unconditional, so in love that I stayed for years...through emotional and physical abuse.
It would just take one moment where he was sweet and loving and I'd forget all the horrible things he’d done. It’s like I was addicted to him. He never had to beg me to stay, because I never seriously considered leaving. I truly loved him and I thought surely I was the best person on earth to help him battle the inner demons wrought by hardships and a checkered childhood. He cheered on my dreams: being more active, becoming a mother, traveling the world, laughing more. I knew in my heart that I couldn't just wake up one morning and give up on us, no matter what he'd done the evening before. I wanted my marriage to work, no matter what it cost me!
By the time our marriage ended it had cost me a lot!
What I know now, is that we tend to want to glorify things and look at the all the good parts. We try to block out all the bad things. It’s easier not to think about the hardship, the pain, being hurt or humiliated. I know there is nothing wrong with having a dream of how your husband is going to be, the kids you'll have, the life you'll lead but when you are writing the fairytale story and something goes wrong, you have to stop and come back to the reality.
It’s been a few years now since our marriage ended. In that time I’ve been in and out of therapy, on and off of medication. I've blamed myself, I've blamed him and every other person in our lives! I’ve drifted from ‘friends’, and found myself being in a really crowded room, but feeling like the loneliest girl in the world. At times I start to take life by the horns and am doing really well, planning my new future. Other times I feel like I can barely keep my head above water. Sometimes in quieter moments I sit and wonder if I’ll ever be able to get past what happened, if I will ever be able to forget 'all those nights'. On my better days I like to think that it happened for a reason, to make me stronger, it was like it was simply a learner marriage and perhaps maybe in the future I'll know what is and is not acceptable in love and relationships.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
We ended our marriage by agreeing that it was better if we love each other separately. As the lyrics go "We didn't want to give in, so we both gave up." We tried so hard to forgive and forget, but we couldn't take any of it back. Some days I wonder where he is now? There are lots of days when I need him around so I type a text message to him, but when I press the button I always end up sending it to myself! I think I'm finding my own strength in that! My heart still aches when I get a message or email from him. Throughout the years, it was evident that I never had strength in the relationship so my mind wanders and the emotions flood back in. But I always know that when the message comes that he is trying to tell me that he feels just like me and that he needs me or he can’t get what we once had out of his mind.
But I remain determined to stand tall and continue to find my own strength...I owe it to MYSELF!
